I constantly second-guess decision I have made and I never seem willing to defend unpopular decisions to people who disagree with me. After all I might be wrong.
It’s not that I’m completely yellow-livered. I don’t flip flop just to stabilize my popularity. I actually want to hear people’s arguments and I am often willing to change my mind.
But it is stressful.
Like right now I’m trying to decide if I should run the LA Marathon on May 25th.
I haven’t said I would do it yet. But I have been training, running 60 minutes or more four times a week and hauling a long run on the weekend.
The thing is, I am just not sure that I am ready. What if I am not? I don’t want to commit to something that I won't be able to finish.
I gave myself a deadline on that one. Tuesday. Nothing works like a decision to decide.
Kip and I ran 10 miles December 31st to meet my 2008 New Year's Resolution to run 10 miles. This year I cautiously increased that to "train" for a marathon and maybe run it.
Right now or dead van is sitting in a parking lot at Kip's work.
Kip wants an upscale used SUV he found for a ridiculously low price on Craigslist. I’m less of an optimist and I want to make sure it wasn’t stolen or found floating in Katrina. Besides, when I drove the SUV, I realized how comfortable I am in the old minivan.
Minivans aren’t that sexy, but they are like a pair of well-worn shoes.
Of course, well-worn shoes stink. .... hmmm.
It is even more difficult when the decision involves the kids and their future.
After years of negotiating, Kip and I are basically on the same page about homeschooling the kids. Except now that Kip is firmly on my side, I'm giving myself liberty to question every aspect of the process.
Are we doing the right thing for math? Are we doing enough “school”? Should we participate in this activity, go on this field trip, attend this social event? Why don’t I have a stronger sense of direction?
I know I need to spend more time in quiet solitude, away from self doubt, in the presence of God. And I guess I need to make peace with the reality that sometimes I will make wrong decisions, I will fail and I will live to see another day.
But I'm just not sure ......
I’ll let you know what I decide about the marathon.