Blog is Back

I killed the blog yesterday.

And I am not really sure why. The truth is I just got mad and deleted the whole thing.

Thursday night Kip and I had an absolutely incredible 15th anniversary date.

We took the sailboat out and watched the sunset, had dinner, walked and talked in the moonlight for hours, even spent the night on the boat in the marina. It was perfect.

Then, the next day we came home and Kip read the blog entry about our “bet.” (It's gone now.) He was kind of embarrassed and very gently told me it was “horrific."

I felt awful, devastated, actually.

Up to this point, blogging had been really fun -- overcoming the fear of rejection and discovery and being authentic, at least more authentic than I have been in the past. But suddenly I felt that I had crossed some deep and important boundary without realizing it.

At first I was surprised by his reaction to what I thought had been a hilarious story. And then I was horrified.

And then I got really mad, not really at Kip, but maybe a little at him for making me feel bad, even though I knew I had no right to that feeling. But mostly I was angry with myself for creating the situation.

And I was frustrated with the very nature of writing a living memoir. Good writing is genuine, wrought with real conflict and dripping with emotion. Anything else is boring. How can I write well if I can’t write real?

It was a depressing reality check.

I saw no reason to continue.

I deleted it all.

But here I am.

I guess you can undelete in up to 90 days. They know us bloggers.

It took me less than 90 hours.

Last night at Kip’s concert, a couple came up during the break to talk to the guys. They bought a CD and wanted to know all about the band. Someone mentioned that Kip and I had just celebrated our 15 year wedding anniversary. The woman gave me a one-over look and said briskly, “Yeah, we will be at two on the 23rd.”

For some reason I shrugged and said, “It gets better.”

She hugged me and said, “Thank you SO much for saying that!”

I guess I need to figure out this blog thing, because I really do like telling our stories. When it comes to marriage I want people to know our struggles so they can enjoy our victories. I just need to figure out where the boundaries are because I’m not really ready to delete it all yet.

Enjoying the sunset together Thursday in Marina del Rey

We saw the whale hanging out in the marina. Can you see him?